No longer an “I”

October 28, 2015

To be honest, I wasn’t really sure what might happen once I tried Salvia. I’ll admit, I did not have a handler, but I have explored enough different psychadelic spaces that i know my own personal safety valve. My own personal experiences do not allow for the possibility of self-injury and I simply cannot get too far that I can’t “break out” when necessary. Let me say though, that Salvia is not for beginning psychonauts. For me, it was comparable to taking too many mushrooms and experiencing the peak within a couple of minutes. It is quite disorienting. The complete loss of self and the amnesia of taking Salvia while experiencing its effects are something I’ve never experienced before.

Each other reality-changing substance that I have partaken of has been a part of the experience. Every time I saw a weird thing or a fantastic thing, I always knew that it was a result of my own perceptions in conjunction with the psychoactive substance coursing through my blood and brain. Through relaxation or action, I have always been able to make sure everything was under control. I was the “focus” in the group of fellow psychonauts when I was needed.

But on to my visions. Salvia is a completely different experience. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m using it while alone or if it is due to the potency of a drug that has no analog to anything I have ever taken before, but it completely obliterates “me.” I am no longer an “I.” I seem to become a part in a container of “stuff.” I don’t mean to keep using quotation marks, but it becomes difficult to create the proper terminology. Like ants marching around the perimeter of a vase, I am both the ant queen giving the orders, a subsection of the troops and I’m also aware of my friends (purely a part of the experience; not real) helping me to make sure that the vase does not dissolve. I see myself as three-dimensional, but from a four-dimensional state. And it’s as ordinary as looking at a hyperrealistic drawing of plates. Just weirder. Minor repetative auditory hallucinations also occur. I’m not sure if they are an interpretation of my own heartbeat and bloodflow, but they seem to set the tone for my interpretations of the event. I still don’t understand it all myself. But it’s not a wrong thing. I understand it to be a different thing that i’m still exploring. Once the initial peak is over, I feel relaxed and have calm visuals while I acclimate to the moment before I inhaled. But there’s also a big WOW moment of shock that such a small amount of something could affect me so much. Even though I can’t control its effect on my body like everything else, I trust it.

by Bastian