I knew not who I was in the earthly realm

October 28, 2015

The first time I took one relatively small hit off of a pipe. I don’t know what potency it was. I felt very hot. I was not listening to any people around me but I was still taking in sensory information. I was clutching to my friend, feeling as though I was falling over on my right side. My skin was crawling and my mouth felt very strange. It was uncomfortable but it did not last long. The after effects were nice, I felt clear and was in a meditative state for several minutes.
The second time I took one hit off of a small bong not filled with water. The effects came on immediately. Some color distortion and darkness but no distinct visual imagery. I don’t remember any specifically different thought pattern. I was able to communicate a little bit, trying to say that I felt tilted and forced down to my left. I became one with the chair.

The third time was the most profound. I wanted to video record myself in order to see how I reacted, definitely not to post on the internet. I had just watched someone do it and was shocked at their facial expressions, laughter, and loss of connection to reality. Their expression was vacant, like a person who had just seized. I suppose that could be similar, in that there is a dramatic electrical/chemical impulse being shot throughout your brain. I took a massive hit out of a large water bong. I held it in as long as I could but as soon as I started to feel the effects, like a crawling on my scalp, I exhaled. As soon as I exhaled I no longer saw the room, my friend who was recording and looking out for me. In the video I began laughing but it soon changed.

It is extremely hard to feel as though I can accurately describe my experience and imagery (due to my tendency to over analyze) so I will stick to common themes. Non-Euclidean layers of a yellow-ish color and images on those layers were overlapping around me, as if I were pinned against a wall, but they were part of a larger structure like my own skin.

I then suddenly felt as though that was just a tiny part of my body and it was being peeled away from me, revealing this horrific, tiny, inner working. It felt as though my being was being ripped in half but just one side of me.

Then I was in another place, I felt as though I were in a dark tube, constantly spinning and being wrapped around by something, and being told that this is what I have to be and I can’t escape it. At first I felt like this tumbling was fun, had the sense of a dog circling around me but then it frightened me when I realized it was going on for eternity and I wanted so bad to escape that destiny. While I was trying to force myself out of the pattern of tumbling, wrapping, and circling, I felt as though I was being pulled back into the real reality.

I knew not who I was in the earthly realm and had forgotten all concept of earth. I met face to face with my male counterpart equal, smiling at me reassuringly, who pulled me through this dream state that he had finally gotten me to escape from. I really thought that was the true reality. He was kneeling with me in a forest, very mythical and mystical like.
I soon started to come back, but was anxiously still grasping to the fading memory of what the world really is. I didn’t remember who or where I was. I had a hard time believing that this actually is the reality I have been experiencing my entire life. When I began to see things in the actual room, I was on the floor, no longer sitting. I returned to the couch and lay down. It was hard to distinguish what was up and what was down. I melted into the couch and felt it was a part of me. I noticed my friend sighing in relief like something traumatic just happened. I tried to verbalize but couldn’t until the third time I tried, “Why are you sighing, what did I do?! You’re doing that for a reason, what happened?” I had no idea what I had been doing or saying. I soon found out is was very chaotic in reality too, not just in my head. I reviewed the video.

Right after I had been laughing, I hastily stood up but was very clumsy, I tried walking around but stumbled about and fell back down. I was yelling and soon escalated to full on screaming. That must have been about the time where I thought I was being ripped apart. I was tugging on my long sleeved shirt, feeling as though it felt unnatural and I had the sense of claustrophobia by being wrapped in something. He was reassuring me it was just my shirt, and I said I was not ok, knowing that I was destined for all eternity to be spinning around. He said his dog jumped on me at some point, and that must have given me that sense of a dog in the trip. Most things that were distinguishable from my speech were expletives like “holy crap” and “oh my god.” I fell on the floor at some point, looking very confused. I wasn’t in view of the camera most of the time because he had set it down to make sure I was ok. I thrashed about and kicked and attacked a black tubular laundry hamper. He still had his Christmas tree up and that must have been where I got the forest motif from, I kicked the tree as well. After being out of view and calmed down, I remained just moaning in what sounded like agony.

It has been days since I have used it. It is very fresh in my mind and it has been hard to escape thinking about the meaning, which is all interpretive and arbitrary. Who knows if it really reveals any valuable information. It felt like a life time, but the dissociation only lasted for maybe 2 minutes, but with long lasting introspection and a meditative mental state. I have remained fixated on trying to decipher meaning and what I really saw and felt. It has crept up in my awakening from dreams, and even just in mundane activity. At times it has been anxiety provoking, but that could be also due to other external cues. I hope they aren’t lasting flashbacks. However, because this experience was so profound and the first time I have ever lost myself and been disconnected with reality and consciousness, I would recommend it.

by Jaymie