My existence was taken from me

October 28, 2015

I found info about salvia online by accident. I’m a big ex pothead and haven’t smoked in years because of drug tests at work. This sounded interesting and I wanted to try it. I did read up on it and did realize it wouldn’t be like smoking pot, but I didn’t have a clue what was coming…

A very, very close person in my life died of a drug overdose and I “talk” to him often in my mind and he was telling me don’t do it, don’t do it, but I kept thinking I’ll be OK, I’ll be fine, so I was nervous and a bit scared. I had 5X salvia and packed a hit in my homemade pipe. Took a big hit and held it 30 seconds or so, then was scraping to try to relight and take another hit when wham! I was sort of spinning and zig zagging and I felt a real presence, like spirits?, ghosts?, a being? It was like the dead. There were like really big thick pinkish tendrils closing in on me from both sides and trying to surround me and I kept hearing “they’re here to take you, they’re here to take you” (to the dead?) It was terrifying and I hated it and it all happened so fast. I was at the kitchen counter and tried to walk away to get away from it and snap back. Was having a hard time walking because of the zig zagging on both sides of me, but was able to look down at the tiles on my floor and the ones right in front of me were steady, so I just walked on them to the couch and was talking really loud. I hate this. I hate this. Who the f— would want to do this? I tried to stand up but I was too heavy. It only lasted a couple of minutes and I was able to pull away from the pink fat tendrils trying to take me. I couldn’t believe how fast and how totally it had grabbed me. Whole thing only lasted about 2 minutes and I was thankful it was over.

I read up on it a lot more that day and was reading about how it was supposed to be spiritual and was used in meditation, so I thought maybe it was because I was so agitated that I had this “bad” experience. I guess I forgot how scared I was and I tried it again that night, but in semi darkness sitting on the couch and layed down after I took a hit (smaller hit). I started saying the ABC’s out loud slowly and by the time I got to “M” I was sort of singing them and swaying with my body as it was swinging back and forth (in my mind). It was funny and mellow and very pleasant. Not scary at all, but not that big of a deal.

Third (and last time forever) time I smoked it was the next night. I wasn’t nervous at all after my 2nd trip and did it in the same situation. I thought this time if something wanted to take me, I’d just go with it and see what I experienced. Took a big deep hit and held it a long time and layed down to experience it. Didn’t do the ABC’s this time. I wanted it to take me wherever it would. First I got that zig zaggy, swaying feeling, then slam! the voices from the 1st trip were back and they were evil and happy and excited and saying “She’s back!!! She came back and we’ve got her!!! It was freaking terrifying because I could feel them taking my mind and me losing my mind, the “me” that I had read about some people experiencing, but I was terrified that I was losing “me” forever and I was being pulled in. The room was dark and it was like I was laying in a barrel on its side with the top half gone, and it was tipping over into this sea of people. I could see their faces and they were sort of elongated and they’re arms were reaching up for me. They were happy they were taking me, but it was like a haha we got you now evil happy, like now you’re going to be one of us. I could see the side of the barrel I was in and it was dark, like the darkness in the room and as the barrel tipped more and more, the darkness got smaller and smaller and the sea of people was closer and closer. I’ve never been this freaked out and scared and terrified and horrified in my life. My being, who I am, was being taken from me and I could feel it going away. I think I was hollering no, no, I hate this and trying to hold onto that little sliver of darkness that I knew was reality. I still knew I had smoked the salvia and I was very sorry I had and I kept telling myself, I’ll never do it again, I’ll never do it again, I’ll never come back here, just let me leave. I wanted to get rid of the salvia I had left. I felt like if I did that I could get away. I couldn’t sit up or get up and I rolled onto the floor and crawled on hands and knees to the kitchen just focusing on the blackness, but I knew I was still in my house. I crawled to the kitchen and reached up on my knees to the counter and found the little baggie of salvia (I don’t know how I found it, I just felt for it, I could only see darkness and the sea of people). I grabbed it and crawled to the sink and finally got it open and was dumping it out and wanted to get rid of ALL of it. I reached up and turned the water on and kept filling the baggie with water, flushing it all out. I was totally focused on this mission of getting rid of it because I thought it was the only thing that would make all those people trying to take me go away. Focusing on that sort of made it fade a little. I knew I was in my house, but I couldn’t see anything, I just knew where everything was and had to feel around for it. I started crawling on my hands and knees back to the couch. Didn’t even think about trying to get up and walk. I remember seeing my cat walking behind the kitchen table and thinking OK, I’m coming out of it, just get back to the couch and wait for this to end. On my way back crawling to the couch, I remember the crowd of people trying to come back to my reality, but it wasn’t near as strong. I was talking really loud, not hollering though, saying F— this, I hate this, F— this over and over and kind of just groaning. I made it back to the couch, I remember squeezing between the couch and coffee table on my hands and knees and getting back on the couch and sitting up and the people trying to take my mind were all gone, but I was still fuzzy and zig zagging. I crushed up my home made pipe and threw it away too. My dog tried to come up to me, I guess because I was acting so weird and I hollered at him to go away, I was afraid he might turn into those people and I would hurt him. Everything gradually came back to normal and I was just pacing and so grateful it was all over. I went into the kitchen to check on what I had done with the salvia and yup it was all wet and all over the sink and the little baggie was in there. Wasn’t a bit sorry about it and I’m still not. Writing this down and reading it doesn’t convey the horror and 100% terror I felt and the complete helplessness. Its hard for me to even grasp that feeling, but I do know that it was not something I ever want to feel again. This was 1 hit of 5X. Maybe I’m super sensitive or something, but I was looking for some kind of peaceful, spiritual, other existence. What I experienced was nothing of that sort and I’ll never do this again. Totally different from the terror of an impending car wreck, or roller coaster ride. This was my mind, my existence that was being taken from me and I was terrified. I like a little control.

by CRC